Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Finally I awake

To remind me how meaningful my life is

A time comes in my life when i finally get it. When in the midst of all my fears and insanity i stop dead in my tracks and somewhere the voice inside my head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, my sobs begin to subside, i shudder once or twice, i blink back my tears and through a mantle of wet lashes i begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is my awakening. i realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. i come to terms with the fact that she is not Cinderella and i am not Prince Charming and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter). and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with me, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

I awaken to the fact that i am not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what i am and its OK as they are entitled to their own views and opinions and i learn the importance of loving and championing myself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

I will stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to me or didn't do it for me and i learn that the only thing i can really count on is the unexpected. i learn that not everyone will always be there for me, and that it's not always about me. So, i learn to stand on my own and to take care of myself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

I will stop judging and pointing fingers, and i begin to accept people as they are, and to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

I realize that much of the way i view myself, and the world around me, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into my psyche. And i begin to sift through all the crap i've been fed about how i should behave, how i should look, how much i shouldn't weigh, what i should wear, where i should shop, what i should drive, how and where i should live, what i should do for a living, what i should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what i owe my parents.

I learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.And i begin reassessing and redefining who i am and what i really stand for. I learn the difference between wanting and needing, and i begin to discard the doctrines and values i've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process i learn to go with my instincts. I learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. I learn that the only cross to bear is the one i choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then i learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. I learn not to project my needs or my feelings onto a relationship. I learn that i will not be more handsome, more intelligent, more lovable, or important.

I learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as i would have them be. I stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. I learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. and i learn that i don't have the right to demand love on my terms. Just to make me happy. And i learn that 'alone' does not mean lonely.

And i look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that i will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and i stop trying to compete with the image inside my head and agonizing over how i "stack up." i also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring my needs.

I learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. . . and that it is my right to want things that i want. and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. i come to the realization that i deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and i will not settle for less. And i allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes me, to glorify me with her touch. and in the process i internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And i learn that my body really is my mosque. i begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise.i learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so i take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so i take more time to laugh and to play.

I learn that, for the most part, in life i get what i believe i deserve. and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.i learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, i learn that in order to achieve success, i need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

I also learn that no one can do it all alone and its OK to risk asking for help. i learn that the only thing i must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. i learn to step right into and through my fears, because i know that whatever happens i can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on my terms.

I learn to fight for my life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. i learn that life isn't always fair, i don't always get what i think i deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions i learn not to personalize things. I learn that God isn't punishing me or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And i learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.

I learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of me and poison the universe that surrounds me

I learn to admit when i am wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. I learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things i take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly,i begin to take responsibility for myself. by myself, and i try to make my self a promise to never betray myself and to never ever settle for less than my heart's desire.

And i hang a wind chime outside my window so i can listen to the wind. And i make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in my heart and with God by my side, i take a stand, i take a deep breath, and i begin to design the life i want to live as best as i can.

5 comments:

  1. Just cruising through blogs and came across yours. This entry is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. hi kelly thanks for the comments..

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